


Other Half

by seke



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Child Abuse, Saeran-centric, i guess, ray's route spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 18:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14087178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seke/pseuds/seke
Summary: The seasons of Saeran Choi's life.





	Other Half

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write a character study fic and I tried to follow Seven's route + Ray's route + Believer Package, but in the end I the liberty of changing minor stuff. Everything is only my own interpretation of Saeran, whom I love very much (he is my favorite character). There were things I wrote the way I would feel and thought that was how Saeran would feel too, due to similar experiences. The fic ended up rushed, because I didn't want people to get bored, after all, I assume everyone has played Ray's route.

In spring, Saeran heard about the people Saeyoung befriended at the cathedral. He said they were nice people and Saeran believed him. He would always believe him. He wondered if he could meet them too, one day.

 

While Saeyoung was out, their mother would beat Saeran up twice as much, expressing her frustration for not knowing where her other son was.

She asked Saeran where he was. But Saeran never said what she wanted to hear.

_“I don't know, I don't know…”_

That never failed to make her angry.

First she tortured his body, giving his small and weak body bruises that never disappeared. Every time they started to fade away, she gave him new ones.

She tied him up and didn't let him leave his bedroom. He wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom or eat.

Then, she tortured his mind. She blamed him for everything. It was his fault Saeyoung left, it was his fault she had to suffer and it was his fault _he_ had to suffer.

“Looking at you is making me sick. You are useless, Saeran Choi. You should just disappear.”

After a while, Saeran started to lose his mind. He was hungry. Tired. Hurt. He didn't know who he was anymore. So he believed his mother.

Useless. He was useless, a bother for everyone. The world would be better if he just died.

But why—why was he born, in the first place?

 

And just then, Saeyoung came back and he remembered why he was alive.

Saeyoung gave Saeran a bath and treated his wounds. He stroked his hair and said everything was fine, even if they both knew it was a lie. He gave Saeran food and watched him sleep, worried about the fever he had.

“Saeyoung… it's cold.”

Saeyoung quickly got up from the chair he watched Saeran from, right next to the bed.

“I will try to find more blankets,” Saeyoung said.

But Saeran stopped him.

His tiny, pale hand touched Saeyoung’s shoulder.

“No,” Saeran muttered. “Just stay with me.”

Saeyoung, surprised, opened his mouth searching for words, but closed it right away, letting a relieved smile show up on his face.

He went back to his chair. Saeran didn't need to explain himself. Saeyoung knew what he meant. They were twins, so he knew.

He touched Saeran’s hand with his own. Saeran’s hands were usually cold, but he was sick, so his entire body was hot.

Saeyoung’s hands, however, never changed. They were _warm._ Saeran envied him. Saeyoung was so kind that even his hands were filled with pure feelings. They were so different. He wished he could be more like Saeyoung. If only he was stronger…

As if reading his mind, Saeyoung told Saeran:

“We are twins. I am you and you are me. Everything I can do, you can do, too. Just wait a little more… I promise I will protect you.”

Saeran smiled. He knew why—why he was alive. Saeyoung. Saeyoung was alive, so he should be too. He was his other half. One couldn't exist without the other.

And when Saeyoung was next to him, he didn't think life was so bad.

He wasn't weak. He wasn't useless. Because he was Saeyoung, and Saeyoung was amazing.

Still holding his hand, Saeran fell asleep. And even though his whole body hurt for sitting for too long, Saeyoung didn't move or sleep. Not until Saeran woke up and he could confirm he was fine.

In summer, Saeyoung went to the cathedral, as usual. But he never came back.

With him gone, their mother became even more aggressive. Saeyoung wasn't there to protect Saeran anymore. She could do whatever she wanted.

And yet, Saeran didn't feel sad. He endured everything, because he knew Saeyoung would come back. Saeyoung would protect him and then, he would take him to eat ice cream again, when their mother wasn't looking. He had to keep being strong until then. Until the day Saeyoung came back.

But that day never came.

 

Their mother gave him lies—yes, all lies, Saeran wouldn't believe her.

“Saeyoung abandoned you. You see now, Saeran? People like us can't be loved by anyone.”

 _No!_ Saeran knew Saeyoung would never abandon him.

He kept quiet. But as if reading his mind, his mother slapped his face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?! You think you are better than me?!”

Saeran didn't reply at first, distracted by the pain on his cheek.

“No, I—!”

“No one cares about you. There's no place that will ever accept you.”

Saeran knew it was a lie. But why—why did it hurt so much?

He prayed that Saeyoung would come back soon. And he wondered if something had happened to him… In that case, shouldn't he help him?

Saeran thought about how to help Saeyoung. But he didn't know anything. He didn't even know where he could be.

Saeran's stomach growled, as if reminding him he should first worry about himself. It hurt.

Not only his stomach, but also realizing how powerless he was. _It hurt_.

And just when he was getting tired of waiting for Saeyoung, two people came to his house.

Saeran heard his mother yelling. That was nothing new. But then, something unusual happened: his mother allowed him to leave their house.

He didn't know who they were, but he knew no one could be worse than his mother. So he went with them.

_Oh, how wrong he was._

The couple introduced themselves to Saeran. They said they were Saeyoung’s friends and that their names were Rika and V.

Hearing about Saeyoung made Saeran smile again. But he was still worried, so he asked them:

“Do you know where Saeyoung is?”

The one with mint eyes and hair, V, replied.

“He is safe.”

Of course Saeran wanted answers and to meet Saeyoung again. But if they said he was safe, he wouldn't worry anymore.

He was so relieved.

He thought that maybe, meeting Rika and V was a dream.

But it wasn't. They visited him more times, took him to the cathedral and taught him about God, about flowers, about _the world_.

He was so happy. His mother's abuse had gotten less frequent, too. He wanted to tell Saeyoung about it. He wanted to share his happiness with him. It was because of him he could smile in the first place!

Later, he would realize that meeting those people was indeed not a dream, but an endless nightmare.

 

Then, fall came.

One day, Saeran was out with V, looking at flowers together.

Saeran loved flowers. And having noticed that, V gave him an encyclopedia of plants. The book was so big he was afraid he wouldn't be able to read everything. He learned about flower language and grew to love it. He wanted to tell Saeyoung about it and give him a bouquet of red geraniums. It meant “I'm happy because of you”.

He met Rika again. She said she wanted to surprise V, so Saeran had to keep what she was teaching him a secret.

Saeran agreed. He thought they weren’t on good terms, so it was a big surprise to him, too. He was glad he could help Rika make V happy.

She gave him a book, different from the one V had given him. It had no photos, only codes. But he still did as she said and tried to memorize it.

Rika said she wanted to give photos of him to Saeyoung. Saeran didn't know why she hadn't asked V to take them. He was a photographer, after all. But he didn't question her. He only smiled thinking about Saeyoung and let Rika take the photos.

He hoped that, wherever Saeyoung was, his feelings could reach him through the photos.

 

One day, after going out with him, V brought Saeran back to his house. He hadn't thought about coming in, until he heard Saeran calling him.

Saeran had found his mother on the floor. At first, he thought she was drunk again, sleeping there. But then he saw blood and got worried.

“Mom!” Saeran called, shaking her body. He was trying to wake her up. But she never opened her eyes.

“V!” Saeran screamed, still trying to make his mother reply.

But it was useless. V came back, worried, and saw what was going on.

Saeran's mother had passed away.

When he finally understood, Saeran couldn't believe it. He was confused. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel.

He was relieved and sad, too shocked to feel angry.

Saeran knew one thing, just one thing: he was alone. He was the only one to attend his mother's funeral. Not even Saeyoung came—and how could he? He never came back.

His family was all gone and if he died, there would be no one to visit his grave.

Saeran hated his mother. But he was still her son and she was still the only person he had.

 

Saeran told Rika he had completely memorized the book she gave him. She smiled and complimented him.

And then, he said he was going home. But he never arrived there.

Saeran had passed out and didn't know where he was. He suddenly remembered a man took him… but where was he? There was no one with Saeran. He was alone in a dark, unfamiliar room.

No matter how much he screamed, no one ever replied. Food would eventually appear in the room through a hole in the floor and he had no option but to eat it. However, it tasted terribly and gave him pain, so he tried to eat only when he couldn't endure his hunger anymore.

He stayed like that for four days, until he saw a lot of people he had never met before and one very familiar face. Rika.

“Rika?! Why are you here? We need to get away from this place!”

Saeran tried his best to alert Rika, but he had a feeling it wouldn't work. Rika looked different—she was wearing weird clothes, but that wasn't the main problem. Even the way her eyes looked had changed. It was like she was a completely different person. A stranger.

“No, Saeran,” Rika said and even though she was smiling, her voice showed no emotion and her eyes were lifeless. “We won't be leaving this place. This is paradise.”

Paradise…? Saeran couldn't understand what Rika was talking about.

“The world is cruel. It doesn't need weaklings like us. They can't accept our darkness,” Rika began to explain. “but this place can. Here is the only place we can live at. Our paradise, Magenta.”

“What are you talking about?!” Saeran shouted. “Where is V?!”

Saeran regretted asking that. There was nothing wrong with being curious about V, he was Rika's fiancé, after all. But the moment she heard his name, Rika's smile disappeared. She seemed offended.

“V is a liar. He abandoned me. And Saeyoung abandoned you. You see now, Saeran? This is how the world is! We can't leave this place!”

The things Rika had said felt like a bunch of nonsense to Saeran. He felt like he didn't know her anymore. And he was angry. _How dare her lie to me?!_

“Saeyoung would never abandon me! He was trying to protect me!”

Saeran spoke with certainty, but deep down, he was hesitant. If Saeyoung was trying to protect him, why did he leave?

_No, no, no. I can't think badly of Saeyoung. He is only thinking of me._

Rika grinned and, without looking away from Saeran, ordered the unknown group in the room.

“Give him the elixir. Now!”

_Elixir…?_

“Yes, savior!”

Saeran hadn't had the time to understand what was going on, when a pair of people held him. He tried to shake them off, but he failed. They were much stronger than him, who hadn't eaten properly in days.

Still, he didn't give in. Not until more people forced him to take the thing Rika had called “elixir”.

“For eternal paradise!” Rika said, before leaving the room.

“For eternal paradise!” the people shouted in return.

And Saeran, having drank the elixir, quickly felt the effects in his body.

 _I am being burned alive!_ Saeran thought. It was suffocating. He didn't have the strength to fight, but his body started moving on its own, trying to get rid of the pain. He hit the people holding him and more people appeared to help them.

“Ah…” Saeran cried quietly, before he lost his mind to the pain and screamed incessantly.

_I need to get away. I need to get away. I need to get away._

Saeran's thoughts became hazy. At that moment, he was nothing more than an animal, unable to be rational. He screamed, as if it could make the pain disappear and tried to hurt everyone next to him.

Then, he passed out.

When Saeran woke up, he found himself hoping the pain he had experienced was only a nightmare. It wasn't. It was real, and far from being over.

The “cleanse” ritual continued and again, Saeran was denied food. He didn't feel like eating, anyway. He thought he would throw up by seeing or smelling food only. But he was thirsty. And tired.

Alone, he fell asleep again.

 

He didn't know for how long his torture lasted. Weeks? Months? Years? He wasn't sure.

It was all Saeyoung's fault. Because he was a liar. _A liar!_ He wanted to kill him. He wanted to kill both Saeyoung and V. Only then, he would feel safe again.

He forgot everything. The only thing he remembered was that he was forgetting something important.

But he had forgotten it, so it's probably not _that_ important.

He saw someone else. A fool, someone weaker than him, taking control of his body. He felt pain, and he knew that that other person could feel it too.

But Saeran wasn't the one crying. It was _him._ The fool.

Saeran wanted to destroy everything, destroy _himself,_ while that other person wanted to protect himself the most.

If anything, they could both feel the arrow piercing Saeran's— _their_ body. It was impossible to tell if it was Saeran or the other person who tried to remove it. He was scratching his chest, his neck. He needed to breathe.

Why was he suffering? One of the voices said it was because he missed Saeyoung. He missed him _so_ much. The other voice screamed; _Saeyoung is a monster! I am going to kill him._

Love turned into hate. Hate turned into love. Love, hate, love, hate, love, hate. _Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!_

Saeran hated Saeyoung. He would never forgive him. He would make sure Saeyoung would suffer for eternity. Like he deserved. And then Saeran would be happy forever, at Magenta.

… He would?

… Saeran?

No. That's wrong. He wasn't Saeran. He was the invader.

 

Winter came and left without notice. Spring came again and again and when he realized, it was winter once more.

His name was Ray. That was how his kind savior called him. She chose his name, as well as his clothes. He didn't think vibrant colors suited him, but since it was a request from his savior and she was always so good to him, he dressed himself the way she wanted to.

The choice of dying his hair and wearing contact lenses was his, though. He was Ray. Only Ray. The idea of resembling a certain man didn't please him.

Per his savior’s order, Ray had hacked RFA’s chat—a messenger app for an organization originally founded by his savior, but that, after she left, belonged to traitors.

He did everything his savior asked of him, including contacting a random person to make them infiltrate the organization. He was responsible for preparing their room, so when he found out she was a woman, he tried to make it look pretty and comfortable.

The only thing he hadn't expected was falling in love with her.

And looking back after leaving Mint Eye, he was glad he did.

 

He had hurt her in more ways than one. Both him, Ray, and his other self, Saeran. No—Saeran wasn't his other self. If anything, it was the opposite. But not quite.

He had been lying to himself the entire time. There was no “Ray” in the first place. Saeran was Saeran, and only him. He pretended to be a different person to protect himself, but it backfired. He hurt himself and a person dear to him. He couldn't keep acting like that.

He swore he would make her happy.

But could  _he_ be happy?

 

Even though he had hated him for a long time, even though he said he would kill him, Saeran missed Saeyoung.

It was hard to recognize that, even if he had discovered the truth. Deep down, he was still scared. Of being hurt, of being abandoned again.

But he couldn't afford to think about that. Saeyoung was missing and he needed him.

Saeyoung had protected him more times that Saeran could count. It was time for him to do the same.

He would find Saeyoung and take care of him. Treat his wounds and watch him sleep. Then, they would never be apart again.

 

One day of spring.

Saeran had accepted who he was and was getting help, to treat his emotional wounds and his physical ones. He had an addiction, after all, and it wasn't easy to just get over it. No matter how kind people were.

The RFA had accepted him and he accepted them back. He genuinely liked them, despite their past conflict.

But if there was one thing Saeran couldn't accept was how Saeyoung always got on his bed while he was sleeping to cuddle him.

“You can't do this! Don't you have your own bed?!” Saeran scolded him, but he wasn't really mad. Saeyoung knew.

“I do! But it's lonely!!” Saeyoung said, pouting after the last word. “And you finally came back!! What am I going to do if I lose you again?”

Saeran smiled in a way he couldn't back when he was working for Mint Eye.

“You are going to find me. Because we are twins.”

Saeyoung opened his mouth in an ‘o’ then quickly closed it again. He heaved a sigh of relief, before letting a large smile appear on his face.

 

The same day, Saeran called his fiancée and Saeyoung and invited them to have a picnic. They both agreed.

The sky was clear and the sun made the day just warm. It was in moments like that that Saeran thought about how grateful he was. For having a second chance. And for being able to watch the sky. The same sky he shared with the people he loved.

He didn't tell neither of them, but he planned to give his wife-to-be and Saeyoung flowers.

To his lover, Saeran gave a bouquet of red roses. And to Saeyoung, red geraniums.

“I am in love with you” and “I am happy because of you”. Those were two different feelings that Saeran couldn't express through words alone.

He had finally found peace. Together with his fiancée, but especially with his brother, he had become complete again.

Because he was his other half.

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty obvious, but I wrote this fic with "Four Seasons" in mind, but also "My Half is Unknown". I hope the ending makes sense, as I started writing this fic as a Saeran & Saeyoung fic but ended up making it more about Saeran. BTW this fic wasn't proofread, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. Also it's almost 2 AM uhhhhh


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